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Breaking up is so very hard to do, especially when you don't know if it's time to leave your partner. Have you ever asked yourself, Is it worth staying? Most of us have at one time or another. Can you remember your uncertainty and frustration? But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm making a mistake? Those doubts can stop most people in their tracks, even if they're convinced they need to go. During the past ten years, we've provided hundreds of workshops and training sessions to singles and couples. We've talked with thousands of men and women and have been asked again and again, "How can I be sure that it's time to leave a relationship?" Here are three different behaviors which, if they remain unchanged, will ruin any chance for lasting love. They are signals that it's time to leave. Repeating Patterns It's important to understand that two people are always teaching each other exactly how they expect to be treated right from the first moment of their relationship. They let each other know what they'll give and what they'll take, either by openly declaring their likes and dislikes or saying it covertly, through body language and, even, silence. They learn to trust and expect certain attitudes and behaviors, and their relationship is a direct result of what they have consciously and unconsciously created together. Many relationships are built on what we call "negative trust." Although joining those two words together may sound like a contradiction, "negative trust' is very real. A glaring example of negative trust" is the very popular television sitcom Married With Children. Husband and wife Al and Peg Bundy, are in hate with each other. He rejects her sexually. She rejects work. They reject each other, repeating the same nasty put-downs day after day. Their children, Kelly and Bud, do likewise, not knowing any other way to relate. The Bundys continually teach each other that it's okay to be disrespectful and cruel. They can count on one another's barbs, backbiting and disgust with certainty. They can depend on the predictability of being belittled. The Bundy's are a model of "negative trust." If you and your partner keep repeating the same patterns, and those patterns are restrictive, belittling, abusive and, of course, physically abusive, that's an obvious signal to leave.
Given Up and Closed Down Another signal which should sound an alarm is when you realize that you, or your partner, or both of you, are no longer actively participating in the relationship, no longer sincerely curious about each other, no longer interested in nourishing what you have together. No relationship can survive indifference and neglect. True, many couples stay together under such disheartening conditions, but they are not alive. They're stuck, trapped, passing time, not knowing how to get out or what they would do if they left. After a while their unhappiness becomes a habit. They take it for granted as though that's just life. Then they're left to wonder if that's all there is. Usually, when the life goes out of a relationship, the couple doesn't recognize they've both been withdrawing and emotionally cheating on the love they claim to want. They complain of being bored, blame their spouse or partner, feel hopeless and victimized and pull even further apart. If that's what you're feeling, pay attention. It's probably time to leave. How It's "Supposed To Be"Finally, if one or both of you is determined to change the other person, if you are committed to forcing your partner to be a certain way, you're not in love with your partner. You're in love with an idea about who and how your partner is supposed to be. You're in love with a fantasy you expect your partner to fulfill. We call that being committed to a ghostly lover, an image that lives inside your head. No real person stands a chance, because your ghostly lover is perfect. Isn't that true? He or she does whatever you want, treats you in just the ways you like, flatters you when you need it, tells you that you're the best lover, the best person, the best everything. What real person can match up to that kind of perfection? Then you try to make your lover or spouse fit your perfect picture. When they don't, you make them wrong. But that's not a relationship. That's obedience training. If you're doing it or if it's being done to you, and you can't get the other person to stop or you won't stop, it's time to get out because, even if you were to succeed, you'll become bored and unhappy in the long run. By becoming aware of these behavior patterns, leaving a relationship can be a far less mystifying process. But what about the other side of the question. How do you know if your relationship is worth staying in, worth the loving work it takes to make being together fulfilling, meaningful and passionate?
Positive Trust Most couples want their relationship to support them and help them grow. Thai takes what we call "positive trust." "Positive trust" develops whenever you and your partner share a commitment to the following experiences:
As "positive trust" grows, your heart will open more fully and you'll continually commit to living the full scope of who you are-the pluses and minuses, the whole package. By communicating your needs and your appreciation, by learning to negotiate conflicts to both your satisfaction, you take care of yourself as an individual and each other as a couple. As long as you both sincerely want your relationship to thrive, you can step out of your old destructive patterns. In short, you can change your mind. Together you can create a new intimacy unlike anything you've imagined before.
Written by husband and wife, Judith Sherven, Ph.D., and James Sneichowski, Ph.D., Today's Black Woman |
