There are many reasons why our relationships don't work out and one possibility is that we subconsciously set up barriers.

These barriers are caused by things like anger, self-righteousness, lack of trust, conflicting expectations, bad judgment and an inability to achieve closeness with a partner. All of these are negative, but they can be worked through.

Take anger for instance. Almost everyone carries anger with them, from parents, old lovers, even bosses. Anger is a natural response, and it's a way of letting you know something isn't right in your life.

Why do we become angry? In one sense it feels better than helplessness, and it's healthier. It's also the result of actions we're not taking to get what we truly want.

Peter was in a relationship with Carol for years and although he always complained that he wasn't satisfied with her, he never took the initiative to end the relationship. As a result he ended up in an emotional stalemate. His lack of action only made him angry and depressed.

Sometimes we sell our souls to hang on to a relationship, even a bad one, because it distances us from the pain of being alone. In many ways, too, we don't want to grow up, so we remain helpless and childlike. While we're blaming others for our unhappiness, we do not have to take action. in other words, we move the responsibility for our own well-being onto someone else's shoulders.

Anger is often created by the little things in our lives, not necessarily the big things. Sally, for instance, got fed up and angry at always being the nurturer in her relationships, and doing the "womanly" tasks of cleaning and keeping house that she thought men expected of her. When she realized she wasn't attracting the kind of men she wanted, she decided to give up the image she was creating and announced categorically that she wasn't a woman who cooked, cleaned or kept house! She stuck to this until she found a man who didn't mind eating out and who got himself involved in the housework. They are now happily married. once she had started to take control of herself and her needs, Sally's earlier anger disappeared.

Jeffers says, "If you're not in a successful relationship, then your type is not your type. You've been looking in the wrong place. Consider that you may need to raise your standards, not lower them! It's important to ask of any partner, do they support who I am, do they allow me to be me? If the answer is no, you need to look elsewhere."

Attitude is also important. As Jeffers says, "if you see the opposite sex negatively, you'll attract bad relationships. if love is scarce, you need to ask yourself, who isn't creating it?"

Many men and women go into relationships with a host of expectations of what the other person will bring them. But this often results in them appearing needy, one of the biggest turnoffs to any partner. If this is you, the best way to deal with it is to have a life that's so rich, you can easily cope if the other person isn't there. Don't rely solely on your partner for everything.

Despite Women's Lib, both men and women need to revise the way they see the role of the sexes. Why do we expect a man to give a woman his coat if she is cold (when women are often healthier and live longer) or why does a woman say she wants a man to look up to (since then he'll have a woman to look down on), and guys, why should it be "woman's work" to cook when some of the best chefs in the world are men?

Instead of going in with expectations, Jeffers advises having a different purpose in mind. "Tell yourself, 'I understand we are good human beings doing the best we can. In this relationship I'm going to open my heart. I'm going to learn and I'm going to grow, That is the only purpose.' That way you won't be disappointed if things don't work out. You'll still have shared some wonderful times together.

Another barrier to having a good relationship is the way we see the opposite sex. To break down this barrier, however, we have to stop complaining about each other. If you do have complaints, it's more profitable to ask yourself what's missing in your life. It's amazing that when you start noticing the good in other people you'll feel filled up; when you notice the bad you only start to feel empty. To help you see the good things, start saying thank you to people. Notice how this makes you feel very nurtured.

Jeffers says, "We all want to love; we all want to be loved. That's all we really want. We have enormous amounts to learn and that's how we become whole-by learning from each other."

But what if your problem is your lack of closeness with your partner? This is one of the most common complaints. But not showing feelings is something that men in particular have been taught since childhood. While they wouldn't necessarily admit it, many men are actually quite lonely because they can't open up (although they're more likely to do so with a woman than with another man).

But women are not guiltless here either, and it's possible that some women actually prevent their men from opening up. Women stop intimacy by expecting too much, by not being as open to their men the way they are to their women friends and by, surprisingly, not always wanting to hear the truth. (A woman who was dependent on her partner for financial support, for instance, might be terrified by a man who came home and admitted he was scared about losing his job.)

Some people may also discourage their partner from talking about their feelings because they end up feeling like the person's parent or they simply don't acknowledge the way the other person tries to connect. Laura's partner always wanted to make love while they were in the middle of a fight. It annoyed her intensely until she realized this was the only way he knew of making things right between them (other ways men do this is by bringing home chocolates and flowers etc.). One way to make sure you're receptive to your partner's attempts at communication is to ask yourself, "How would I react if I were talking to my best friend. How would I listen, how, would I love."  In this way, we can help each other become more open.