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Chemistry is something that's almost magical. If you ever studied chemistry at school you'll know that you can put two completely different compounds together and create something wonderful. That's how it is in life, but normally when we talk about chemistry we mean one of two kinds. The 'big chemistry' is the kind that gets your heart beating faster when you see someone across a crowded room and you know you two were meant to be together (and you just know this isn't going to be a business relationship!). The 'little chemistry' is when you've spent a short time talking to someone and you feel like you've known them all your life. You're both on the same wavelength and speak one another's language. While it's not easy to find a magic formula to make the big chemistry happen (either it happens or it doesn't), there is a way to make the little chemistry happen with almost everyone you meet, just by using a few simple techniques. The important thing to remember here is that this kind of chemistry is all about communication, and you are responsible for initiating that communication. In other words, you have to take charge of it and make it happen, rather than wait for the other person to do so. There are three areas in which you can do this: real-time communication, rapport building, and body language. Real-time communication involves being present during the communication process. Stated simply, this means listening to what the other person says. 'People like it when you pay attention to them. You're not thinking about where you're going on vacation or about all the things you have to do at home, you're just thinking about them," says Haddock. While this sounds simple enough, how often have you found yourself formulating your response to what the other person is saying and probably missing out on half of what they've been telling you? Even worse, how often have you mumbled 'mmmm' as a cursory response when your mind is far away? This isn't likely to fool the person talking to you-instead it's likely to put them off. "If you can't be present for the other person, be honest about it. Honesty really is core. So too are listening skills. If it's a bad time for you, simply say so and tell them you'll be able to listen to them later," advises Haddock. She also says that the trouble with not listening or with formulating a response halfway through someone's sentence is that it's like having a conversation in the past and it can cause miscommunication and an inappropriate response (which is embarrassing to say the least). Listen to everything the other person says and only respond when they've finished, in order to be sure you get the whole message. Don't try to guess where the other person's conversation is leading, or worse yet, try to finish their sentence for them-nothing is more annoying! Some people fear, however, that if they do that, they'll forget what they wanted to say. But let's face it, if you forget it, it probably wasn't worth saying in the first place, so forget it anyway! Others fear that if they don't formulate a response as the other person talks, they won't be able to come up with a response at all. But that's fine. Simply say, 'That's interesting. I need a minute to think about everything you've said. Let me come back to you." The brain likes complete things and will give you a complete response, despite your fears to the contrary. Doing this will also help eliminate confusion and misunderstandings. While you're listening, don't forget to use eye contact. You don't have to stare someone down (and this comes across as confrontational in any case), but you can look at their chin, tip of their nose, cheekbones or other part of their face to make them .feel reassured that you're paying attention. Then don't forget to give feedback. This really shows you've been listening. Repeat back to them what they've said using one or two of their key words. To do this you'll need to listen to their whole sentence. If they say, 'I rented an apartment at the beach this summer,' you might say, 'Oh, I always wanted to go to spend a couple of weeks at the beach and rent an apartment. What was it like?' 'A lot of our communication is subconscious,' says Haddock, 'However this doesn't mean you can't use it consciously to get onto another person's wavelength and build rapport.' Another way to build that rapport is to work out what 'representational language" the other person uses. We all use one of three language styles: visual, auditory or kinesthetic. 'These are the words we use to describe the world to ourselves,' says Haddock. Most of us are visual-we like pictures, and we see pictures when we see our past experiences. Some of us, though, are auditory-we experience the world through our hearing (we are the ones who blast the stereo loudly because we like sound). Others of us are kinesthetic and like textures or feelings (both emotional and physical). The secret here is to work out which of the three types you are talking with and then speak to them in their own language. Not only does this show them you're listening and understanding them, it also results in them being more responsive to you and more likely to give you what you want (Remember that next time you ask your boss for a raise!). Paying attention to the words the other person uses will give you an insight into which of the three categories they fall into. The visual person will say 'I see,' -Show me.' The auditory person will use sound words like 'Tell me,' 'I don't hear you,' 'That's clear as a bell,' while the kinesthetic person will say, 'Things are getting hot around here,' 'I feel this project is failing to pieces,' or 'I'm under a lot of pressure.' If you want to create great chemistry you'll need to talk the other person's language, but be aware that it can be a hard thing to do because it's exactly that, another language to you if you don't have that particular style. 'A funny thing happens when you do begin to talk the other person's language," says Haddock. 'You actually start to understand where they're coming from, and you really sympathize with their concerns.- Another clue to the other person's style is how fast or slow they talk. Visual people tend to talk fast, while breathing slowly, and they may have high-pitched voices. Auditory people are more moderate and breathe from the waist, giving them an average pitch, while kinesthetic people talk slowly (which might be why you'd be tempted to finish their sentences, but don't), take deep breaths, and have deep voices. If you're a kinesthetic person and you're talking to a visual person, you might find it hard to keep up with what they're saying. Ask them to slow down. Haddock advises practicing with a friend who's a different style from you. Ask them to describe their best holiday celebration and while they're doing so, note their words, where they're breathing from and the pitch of their voice. Then decide which of the three styles they have. Next, tell them about the best holiday celebration you've had, but do it in their language. This is not easy, but it's an interesting experience and one you can put to good use to establish rapport with others. Learn the vocabulary of all three styles and you'll have the advantage of being able to communicate with them all.
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